I've decided to begin (physically) transitioning from male to female. I'm still not quite sure if I want to fully transition to female or go for a more androgynous non-binary look, but I definitely don't want to be a man for the rest of my life.
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| I want to change gender |
Why do you feel the need to transition?
So, that's harder to explain than it may seem. Imagine you wake up tomorrow in the body of the opposite sex. I imagine that most (non-trans) people would feel a desire to transition their body back to how it was, but may have a hard time explaining why they need to. In my case, I would be overjoyed to wake up as a girl. The 30-year old guy I see in the mirror each day doesn't look too bad, but he's not me, he's just some random guy. I can't prove that I should be a girl, it's just how I feel.
But why do you feel that way?
The simplest answer is that I that I just do—internally I think of myself as a girl, and it kills me inside a little bit every time I get called 'sir'. But I'll do my best to provide a partial explanation anyway, even though it's going to get a bit cringey and self-contradictory....
It may not be right, but society perceives females and males differently. Even I do, I can't help it. Whether the stereotypes are accurate or not, femininity is traditionally associated with traits such as being kind and gentle, while masculity is associated with traits such as being strong and independent. While I possess both feminine and masculine traits, I fall closer to the feminine side. When I eventually die, I hope I will be remembered as kind and gentle rather than strong and independent.
But why physically transition? Why not just be an effeminate guy?
The simplest answer is that I feel presenting as a girl would make me more comfortable being my genuine self rather than feeling the need to conform at times to fit in. But once again, I'll do my best to provide a partial explanation...
For better or worse, people are going to judge me based on how I look, so I may as well try to look the way I want to perceived. It's only a small percentage of men, but some are also truly toxic. I know of many females who are afraid to walk by themselves at night for fear of abuse by men (I realise that females can also abuse males, but this seems to be less frequent in comparison). I hate the thought that when people see me, they might perceive me as a potential threat. I want them to see that I hate violence and abuse in all its forms and could never bring myself to harm anyone (other than perhaps in defence of myself or others if there is no other option).
Even if I lived on an island by myself, I would still want to transition. Being covered in body hair makes me feel like some kind of monster. When I shave it all off, I can see my true self underneath. I understand that not all men are monsters, but after having been raised in a conservitive home with very traditional men who demand control and don't care much for feelings, it just makes me want to remove my own testicles.
Also, who wouldn't want to look beautiful and wear cute clothes? I may not ever look like a model, and realise that we all end up old and wrinkly regardless, but I love the thought of being beautiful in my own way and being able to light up the world with a smile. There is nothing wrong with being a cross-dresser (when the likelihood of bumping into people I knew was low, I'd wear a skirt sometimes anyway, even though I knew I had no chance of passing as a female), but I feel that a physical transition would help me pass better and be taken seriously.
Are you sure it's not just a sexual thing?
Ray Blanchard coined the (controversial) term autogynephilia to refer to "a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female", or as Anne Lawrence put it "becoming what we love".
I hate to admit it, but this idea describes me reasonably well. There's limited evidence of identifying as a girl when I was younger, although amongst the list of goals in my diary at age 20 is the item "get a gender change and become a super hot chick". As I confessed on Reddit at age 28, "I seem to be attracted to the thought of myself as a woman. Even just browsing the women’s section at a store and imagining myself in those clothes can turn me on." When I see a beautiful female I feel a strange and confusing mix of attraction combined with envy that I wish I looked like her.
The usual counter-argument to Blanchard's description of autogynephilia is that even for a cisgender female, it would be perfectly normal for her to think of herself as an attractive female as a necessary component of her fantasies. By chance, I also seem to feel an attraction towards certain men, but of a different nature to that towards females. This is much simpler: in these fantasies I'm Jane, and they're Tarzan. I'm attracted to them, but feel no desire whatsoever to look like them. In fact, a big part of my attraction to masculinity is that it makes me feel feminine in comparison. I think this has helped me make sense of my feelings, which would have been hard to disentangle if I had only been attracted to females.
Are you sure you are 'really' trans?