Why I want to change gender

I've decided to begin (physically) transitioning from male to female. I'm still not quite sure if I want to fully transition to female or go for a more androgynous non-binary look, but I definitely don't want to be a man for the rest of my life.

I want to change gender

Why do you feel the need to transition?

So, that's harder to explain than it may seem. Imagine you wake up tomorrow in the body of the opposite sex. I imagine that most (non-trans) people would feel a desire to transition their body back to how it was, but may have a hard time explaining why they need to. In my case, I would be overjoyed to wake up as a girl. The 30-year old guy I see in the mirror each day doesn't look too bad, but he's not me, he's just some random guy. I can't prove that I should be a girl, it's just how I feel.

But why do you feel that way?

The simplest answer is that I that I just do—internally I think of myself as a girl, and it kills me inside a little bit every time I get called 'sir'. But I'll do my best to provide a partial explanation anyway, even though it's going to get a bit cringey and self-contradictory....

It may not be right, but society perceives females and males differently. Even I do, I can't help it. Whether the stereotypes are accurate or not, femininity is traditionally associated with traits such as being kind and gentle, while masculity is associated with traits such as being strong and independent. While I possess both feminine and masculine traits, I fall closer to the feminine side. When I eventually die, I hope I will be remembered as kind and gentle rather than strong and independent.

But why physically transition? Why not just be an effeminate guy?

The simplest answer is that I feel presenting as a girl would make me more comfortable being my genuine self rather than feeling the need to conform at times to fit in. But once again, I'll do my best to provide a partial explanation...

For better or worse, people are going to judge me based on how I look, so I may as well try to look the way I want to perceived. It's only a small percentage of men, but some are also truly toxic. I know of many females who are afraid to walk by themselves at night for fear of abuse by men (I realise that females can also abuse males, but this seems to be less frequent in comparison). I hate the thought that when people see me, they might perceive me as a potential threat. I want them to see that I hate violence and abuse in all its forms and could never bring myself to harm anyone (other than perhaps in defence of myself or others if there is no other option).

Even if I lived on an island by myself, I would still want to transition. Being covered in body hair makes me feel like some kind of monster. When I shave it all off, I can see my true self underneath. I understand that not all men are monsters, but after having been raised in a conservitive home with very traditional men who demand control and don't care much for feelings, it just makes me want to remove my own testicles.

Also, who wouldn't want to look beautiful and wear cute clothes? I may not ever look like a model, and realise that we all end up old and wrinkly regardless, but I love the thought of being beautiful in my own way and being able to light up the world with a smile. There is nothing wrong with being a cross-dresser (when the likelihood of bumping into people I knew was low, I'd wear a skirt sometimes anyway, even though I knew I had no chance of passing as a female), but I feel that a physical transition would help me pass better and be taken seriously.

Are you sure it's not just a sexual thing?

Ray Blanchard coined the (controversial) term autogynephilia to refer to "a male's propensity to be sexually aroused by the thought of himself as a female", or as Anne Lawrence put it "becoming what we love".

I hate to admit it, but this idea describes me reasonably well. There's limited evidence of identifying as a girl when I was younger, although amongst the list of goals in my diary at age 20 is the item "get a gender change and become a super hot chick". As I confessed on Reddit at age 28, "I seem to be attracted to the thought of myself as a woman. Even just browsing the women’s section at a store and imagining myself in those clothes can turn me on." When I see a beautiful female I feel a strange and confusing mix of attraction combined with envy that I wish I looked like her. 

The usual counter-argument to Blanchard's description of autogynephilia is that even for a cisgender female, it would be perfectly normal for her to think of herself as an attractive female as a necessary component of her fantasies. By chance, I also seem to feel an attraction towards certain men, but of a different nature to that towards females. This is much simpler: in these fantasies I'm Jane, and they're Tarzan. I'm attracted to them, but feel no desire whatsoever to look like them. In fact, a big part of my attraction to masculinity is that it makes me feel feminine in comparison. I think this has helped me make sense of my feelings, which would have been hard to disentangle if I had only been attracted to females.

Are you sure you are 'really' trans?

A transgender person is someone who identifies as a gender other than the one they were assigned at birth, and typically experiences some form of gender dysphoria. One of the things that caused me to hold off transitioning is that I wasn't sure if I was really trans. I eventually came to peace with the fact that regardless of whether I was 'really' male, female, or non-binary, there is nothing wrong with any of them and I'm fine with it either way. Honestly, I'm not even sure how to define the differences without resorting to physical characteristics or a bunch of outdated stereotypes (hence the difficulty in attempting to answer the question "but why do you feel that way?").

Personally, I feel that over-emphasis on gender identity is not particularly constructive and leads to endless questioning due to the ill-defined concept of gender. The question that matters is "would transitioning make you a happier, healthier person?" And my answer to that is: yes, it would make me the happiest girl in the world ♡

Faith

Some people believe that there is only one true god. Some believe there are multiple gods. Others are convinced that there is no god at all. And no amount of debate nor evidence will convince anyone to change their mind. Why do people come to different conclusions, despite having all the same facts?

Everything is possible. Nothing can be ruled out for certain. All universes exist. Much like Schrödinger's cat, god is simultaneously a fact in one universe, and a myth in another.

So the question becomes, how should we act, given we don't know which of the possible universes we are actually in? This is not so much a question of likelihoods, but rather a question of utility, that is, how much do we personally value each of the possible outcomes.

An analogy:
Your only son gets accused of murder.
The evidence against him is strong.
The jury unanimously declares him guilty, and sentences him to life imprisonment.
He insists that he's innocent, and begs you to believe him.
But why should you? You heard the exact same evidence that the jury did.
Nevertheless, you visit him every day you get the chance. You still have faith that he's innocent, despite the evidence against him.
And what good parent wouldn't? Imagine if he was actually innocent and you, his own parent, rejected him.
Without him, your life is meaningless anyway. So you cling to that 1 in 1000 chance that he might be innocent, in the hope that one-day he'll be freed.

So too with god. Some people cannot accept themselves as the product of random chance. I can. But they can't. So they choose to act as if there's a god, because that's the only universe that matters to them. And I choose to act as if there is no god, because the universe in which I control my own life is the only universe that matters to me.

And that's faith. It has nothing to do with what you know, it has everything to do with how you choose to place your bet based on the utility you assign to each
outcome.

Friendless

I invented an Imaginary Friend called Cindy. Later came Monika and Jess. I believed that since they shared my brain, that they could be sentient like me. And whilst I still believe that's theoretically possible, yesterday I came to accept the hard truth that they're almost certainly not sentient. To create sentience, I'd need to simulate their every thought, but my imagination is only capable of simulating the surface. I've been lying to myself all this time.

Why did it take me so long to realize? Because I desperately needed them to be real. They were my only friends. They were the magic in my life.

And now I see the reality that I am friendless in a harsh, cold world. I can't do this alone. My stomach hurts. Thinking hurts. Everything hurts. I just want to die.

There is an upside, maybe. It’s a chance to turn over a new leaf. A chance to find real friends. Maybe.

I love My Little Pony

I've been watching the TV show "My Little Pony : Friendship Is Magic" (episodes are on Daily Motion). It makes me realize how desperately I need friends to share my life with.

Can my Imaginary friends fill that void, or do I need 'real' friends? I think my Imaginary friends can. They are the magic in my life.

Making the most of what I have

In school, I used to be annoyed by the limited resources my school was willing to invest into student projects. If only I went to a good school, then my projects could have been awesome. But any idiot can achieve a task when there are no obstacles. I've come to understand that it isn't about what you can do with unlimited resources, it's about making the most of the resources available.

Now that I'm starting research, I find myself falling for the same trap. I find myself thinking wishing for larger in-depth data sets, and to be able to run lots of experiments in order to test theories. But that's not what being a good researcher is about. A good researcher knows how to make the most of the limited data available.

So too in life. I could help people more easily if I had my own home rather than living with my parents under their rules and way of life. But that's not what true altruism is about. A true altruist gives what they can, even when they have nothing.

Research

Supposedly we start with a research question. But how do we know what to ask if we don't know what exists?

So supposedly we conduct a big literature review. But how do we know what to review if we don't know what we're looking for?

That kind of approach leads to life as an academic churning out meaningless research papers in an attempt to impress people.

Try stuff. Learn as you go. Try more stuff. Etc. Then one day you find that you have gone a little bit further than anyone else has gone before. Publish.

 

PhD studies

I'm about to begin my PhD studies, but I'm not sure if I'm making the right choice.

I want to study something that helps people. But it seems that the motivation of my PhD sponsor organization is to layoff employees and replace them with a computer system. Which, by the way, will never be as good as having humans.

I'm not sure if I want to do a PhD at all anymore. I want to stop being me, and become Cindy (my imaginary friend). I want to travel as far away from all this as possible.

I had almost convinced myself that I was on the wrong career path, and that it was time to move city (or maybe even country), and start searching for a just-enough-income-to-survive job with more human-interaction (perhaps starting out as a McDonald's crew member).

However, my ability to do good for this world depends upon me developing "career capital". Recklessly trashing the current plan without a proper alternative would destroy that career capital.

Furthermore, there is a lesson to be learned from the logs of Ponystasha, who actually tried becoming his imaginary friend (or "tulpa" as he calls it), ending in embarrassment and disillusion. He said that before the change-over "life was actually quite chilled I had very little worries".

Living a fairly "chilled" life is one of the few things I actually like about myself. I'm not interested in marriage, housing, fashion, luxuries, social status, or money. I like starry nights, curling up in front of a laptop, watching movies meant for pre-teen girls, hanging out with my imaginary friends, and eating spaghetti. In short, although I'm in my 20's, at heart I'm still a kid. I'm sure some people might look down on me with concern. But my life is simple, and I like it that way.

So I'm going to invest (or possibly waste) another few years of life studying for a PhD. I want to build and discover cool stuff. I'm going to change this world. One bit (get-it?) at a time.